Leading with Empathy: Grief and Healing

When first identifying the primary responsibilities of a college or university president, few think about the expectations that arise in the face of tragic events. In some college environments, such incidents are few and far between. But the reality of debilitating illness, accidents and natural disasters, and death as an inevitable part of life means that – at some point – students, faculty, staff, benefactors, board members and alumni will be affected by what is, for them, a very real tragedy. Often, it is the president (or provost) who is initially expected to guide, communicate, and engage personally with those most directly impacted.  The truth is that most people are uncomfortable with death and find themselves at a loss for what to say to those who are grieving. Perhaps unsurprisingly, many presidents or provosts are among them, and do not feel well-equipped to engage these emotional events.  I count myself among those who struggled with how to engage and sometimes was left wondering if I should or could have done more.

The wheels of my Southwest flight had just touched down at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport that early April evening, when my phone began to vibrate. It was a call from my colleague, our vice president for student life, informing me that a student had died earlier that day while taking part in a university-sponsored kayaking trip. The student, a popular first-year member of the honors program, had capsized in the waves and ultimately succumbed to hypothermia, induced by the wind-whipped frigid waters of the lake. My focus immediately shifted from the Arizona benefactor with whom I was soon to meet, to the initial message we would send to the university community – a message I worked on with my communications team through the course of the evening.

The incident of the student who perished while kayaking was one of numerous student deaths during my tenure as an administrator. I remember each one vividly, because each involved a unique person, a unique set of circumstances, and each constituted an immeasurable, tragic loss. In such circumstances, the administration is expected to explain “what happened,” but it is also an opportunity to articulate what meaning can be found in these situations. For many, particularly younger students, the loss of a fellow classmate might constitute their first experience of death. Because some deaths at college involve suicide, surviving family members, fellow students, and others may find themselves struggling with guilt, anger, anxiety and/or depression. In the face of such situations, leaders can play an important role in helping both affected individuals and the community, process and even come to terms with the loss and integrate their experience.

Occasions that give rise to grieving are also not restricted to situations involving students. Beloved faculty or staff members, important alumni, notable benefactors, and trustees pass away, lose children or spouses to terminal illness or accidents. Entire communities may suffer tragedies, such as devastating wildfires or a mass shooting at a school, which impact members of one’s own campus. It is not uncommon for a university president to be asked to deliver a eulogy at a memorial service for an important constituent, such as a community leader or benefactor – even if that individual was not necessarily a close friend.

Leaders can play an instrumental role in how their campuses, and those most directly affected by tragedy, experience and navigate these events. Not only can this affect the individual experience of those who are processing loss and trying to make sense of the often unthinkable, it can have an impact on others’ experience of how to begin the healing process. Leaders can play a significant role in creating experiences that offer consolation and model ways of relating to grief and loss that can have enormous impact on the individual and collective student experience.

As with most challenging situations, having spent time in advance considering what constitutes an “ideal” response often proves to be helpful when an actual tragedy occurs. While each situation is unique, having created protocols can both help the leadership to be better prepared, as well as to facilitate a level of consistency in their tone of response. For example, at my institution we developed a “death of a student’s family member” protocol which was activated when a student notified a resident assistant, faculty or staff member, or advisor that a parent or sibling of the student had died. The protocol articulated both what was to happen in response, and whose responsibility it was to ensure that the protocol was properly followed. Everything from whether/how the community was notified of the loss to providing direct support to the affected student was guided by the protocol. (The very existence of the protocol was inspired by another university, whose standard procedure included personal notes of condolence written by the president and head football coach, as well as institutional funding to provide the student round-trip airfare to support travel home for funeral services.)

The development of protocols requires identifying departments or individuals who can play important roles in responding to incidents. Colleagues in areas such as student affairs, campus safety or police, health and wellness, academic affairs, campus ministry, student financial services, and communications all can work in concert with the president or provost to create a robust response. Indeed, the inclusion of these areas in the development of response protocols decreases the chance that well-meaning areas are duplicating efforts or getting in each other’s way. This allows the president to focus her or his attention on accompaniment: meeting with bereaved family members, editing campus communications, and keeping their eye on the big picture while responding to the situational uniqueness of the tragedy.

Many senior administrators are effective precisely because they are problem-solvers, but tragic events often involve incidents or situations that simply cannot be “fixed.” While it is natural for a president or senior administrator to jump immediately into problem-solving mode, it is also important that the leader engage with empathy – considering first how the impacted individuals are feeling, what it must be like to be in their shoes at this time of tragedy, and setting the tone for the whole process of responding to the loss. Leading with empathy increases the chances that those who are struggling will find some consolation in the college’s response, while lowering the risk of saying or doing something that might be perceived as disingenuous, defensive, or self-absorbed.

In the case of the student mentioned in the anecdote above, a concern expressed early in the message development process was that the institution might face legal action over the death of the student. This concern began to translate into the development of a “cold” and somewhat aloof statement. It is possible, however, to create messages that are both factual and heart-felt, that maintain an empathetic tone while reserving judgment (or premature speculation) on what precisely happened or who might be responsible.

In close-knit communities, word of tragedy tends to spread quickly, and if the situation involves the death of a student, many will hear about it through social media. Students and employees are invested in their own community, often feel entitled to know specific details of events, and will want to hear quickly from the administration; but gathering critical information while simultaneously responding often takes time.  Even with limited information, the initial message to the university community can be laden with compassion and empathy.  The circumstances may demand that an initial message with limited information (a.k.a., a “holding statement”) is issued first, followed by a more detailed message as additional information becomes available.

At many colleges and universities, there is a designated individual whose responsibilities include meeting, and serving as the point of contact with, grieving family members. Often this is an experienced senior student affairs professional, but it may be someone from the provost’s office, the president’s chief of staff, or another individual. A personal meeting with, or reach-out from, the college president also carries enormous significance, for it underscores the importance of the individual person and their family members to the community at a time of great loss.

Meeting with grieving parents, family members, and close colleagues or impacted fellow students can be uncomfortable for many presidents or other administrators who have limited experience of such situations. In my experience, the best way to engage begins (following initial expressions of sadness and condolences) not with speaking, but with listening: allowing the grieving to share about the person who has passed, the things they have loved and treasured about them, the experiences that held significance for them. For some people, invoking a spiritual or divine element may be appropriate, while for others it may be offensive; engaged, empathic listening can assist in determining what may or may not resonate. Accompaniment in the face of loss is about walking alongside and having empathy for those experiencing loss.

After the initial communication and contact, there will be a period of processing on the campus as students, family members, and faculty and staff colleagues come to terms with what has occurred. Here again, while each situation will call for a tailored response, advance preparation can be very helpful. As part of the response protocol development process, professionals both internal and external to the institution can be prepared to be available and create structured opportunities for support of those in mourning. Mental health counselors, campus ministers, and others with expertise in helping people process grief and loss are vitally important as members of the community absorb and integrate the impact of what has occurred; ensuring that they can be available and are willing to be identified as resources can be integrated into the response. At many campuses, it is important to hold a vigil or commemorative liturgy, which can be an important opportunity to create a sense of shared community and support for those experiencing loss, with grief counselors available for individual and group consultation.

As so many who have experienced grief are aware, loss affects different people in many ways. In a campus community, the death of a student often affects close friends in acute ways. A president who makes the extra effort to meet with the close circle of friends can be a source of tremendous consolation, while simultaneously affirming in a particular way that the administration cares deeply about students and their well-being. This too can create opportunities for family members to hear about the impact that their loved one has had on peers and others in the university community, which can be a gift to those who are grieving.

University presidents are periodically asked to offer reflections or eulogies at vigils, funerals, and memorial services. The rituals of funerals and “celebrations of life” are important opportunities to accompany those who are grieving, an opportunity to affirm that though the loss of a loved one creates a chasm that can never be filled, they are not alone – which can itself be a source of consolation. The presence and engagement of the institution’s leader underscore the importance of the relationship between not only the deceased and the university, but also that of the grieving spouse/partner, family members and friends. Though derived from the Greek “eulogia,” meaning “good words,” the prospect of preparing a eulogy can strike terror in the heart of a leader – particularly if they have never before been asked to offer such reflections.

Just as every individual is unique, so too is every memorial; but there are four considerations that can create the opportunity for good words that resonate:

There are, of course, other elements of prepared eulogies and memorial reflections that may be desired or necessary, as a function of one’s particular religious traditions or cultural conventions. Authentic, heartfelt remarks are always accepted as the gifts they are; with gratitude and appreciation.

Leadership in times of grief is not about having all the answers or fixing what cannot be fixed. It is about showing up for those who are mourning, and for one’s institution—fully present, fully human. When leaders lead with empathy, they remind their communities that even in moments of profound loss, they are not alone. Our words, our presence, and our willingness to listen become the bridge between grief and healing. In these moments, leadership is not measured by policy or protocol, but by compassion and courage.